Last week I was scheduled to have a procedure to correct an abnormality with my heart’s electrical system. I have been suffering with this issue for 6 ½ years and this procedure could cure it once and for all, no more daily medication needed.

Except, it was unsuccessful. The problem area was too close to an important heart structure and my doctor was uncomfortable with the location and terminated the procedure. I was disappointed, but felt at peace.

During recovery my symptoms totally subsided and I wondered if they would come back. Was I healed? Even though medically speaking the procedure had been unsuccessful? Arrhythmias often come and go with no real explanation.

I had been praying most of the day. I prayed during the procedure, I prayed in recovery, and now the thought that maybe I had been healed became the subject of my prayers.

One of my struggles with God is that I believe that He CAN heal me, but I don’t believe that he WILL heal ME. I think He will do it for others, but He won’t choose to do it for me.

As I prayed Mark 9:14-29 came to mind. The father of the boy begging Jesus to heal his son who was possessed by a demon from birth says,

“I do believe, help my unbelief.”

This phrase stuck in my mind and I kept repeating it over and over.

By the next day I still had no symptoms. Contrary to the doctor’s instructions I did not start back on my medications right away. I wanted to see if I really was healed. I even wrote in my journal the next morning about the possibility that I had been healed.

However, not long after that journal entry the palpitations and racing heart rate began again in their traditional fashion. Sigh.

Why?! What was all this for? Pain, discomfort, days off work, and stuck at home to recover? I didn’t want to process it all. I focused on my recovery and vegged out to movies and TV.

The time was right a few days later to sit down and talk it out with God.  My dream to be medication-free had been shattered. I asked God, “Why?!” But the thing about shattered dreams is sometimes we won’t know why.

Though I do believe God CAN heal me, I still struggle with unbelief; that He WILL do it for ME, but maybe that’s warped thinking. Maybe my belief needs to grow, not in Him healing me, but in knowing that His ways are always best, and that I can trust Him.

Of course in my mind being healed is best, but what do I know? He is the Sovereign Creator of the universe and I am but dust. He is mighty, holy, omniscient, omnipresent, faithful, loving and kind. I am His creation. He is still all these things even if He sees fit to allow this illness to continue. Lord, I do believe, help my unbelief…just living the thing.