After a five and a half year period of separation, I received my divorce papers in the mail a couple of weeks ago. Some I’ve shared this with have said, “Wow, it’s been that long?” Others have said, “Seems like it has been so long.” In my opinion, it has been just the right amount of time.

Marriage should not be entered in to lightly, and the same holds true for divorce. It is not something you rush into. I did not rush in to it. I credit good, sound advice from trusted godly advisors and counselors for taking things slow. From the very beginning of my separation I sought out people who would walk this journey with me, keep me grounded in Christ, correct me, encourage me, and guide me. I found just that, and I am forever grateful for my circle of friends.

It was not an easy road. I had people left and right telling me what they thought I should do and not do. There were certainly moments of confusion, second guessing, worrying about what others would think of me, what I thought of myself and how my decisions would affect my family.

Growing up in the church, the concern about what others would think of me was a huge one. Would some think I didn’t try hard enough to make it work? Would I be considered unfit to continue ministry? If I did divorce would people judge me for my decision? Traditionally, I am a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me and think well of me. Part of this process over the last few years has been to focus less on what others thought of me and more on how God saw me. His Word says:

“For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

“For they loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God.” John 12:43

It took me a long time to overcome this hurdle and allow myself to make decisions based on just God and me, not God, me, and other people’s opinions. In the church we can be loving, caring, compassionate and encouraging. We can also be judgmental, critical, unforgiving and unkind. Sadly, I have been the latter more than I’d care to admit. When we operate out of a heart of legalistic thoughts and feelings we hurt people. I have been hurt and I have hurt as well.

I hope that my experience has taught me that there is no one right formula to walk through the break-up of a marriage. I cannot judge someone else’s process because it is not just like mine. I can encourage, lend a listening ear, a word of advice, correction if needed (iron sharpening iron,) and a whole lot of encouragement and compassion as we are …just living the thing.

Sometimes I feel like a phony without valuable or authentic contribution when I sit down to write. But my heart’s desire is to point people back to Jesus for truth, and what better way to do that than to use God’s own words?! So I’ll share something that stood out to me this past week in my morning quiet time.

 “Now the Israelites were in distress that day, because Saul (the king) had bound the people under an oath, saying, ‘Cursed be anyone who eats food before evening comes, before I have avenged myself on my enemies!’ So none of the troops tasted food.” 1 Samuel 14:24

King Saul hurt his own people because he was so blindly self-focused. Nobody was going to be happy until he felt vindicated! His son Jonathan was a different kind of leader.  He looked around and seeing the damage and said:

 “My father has made trouble for the country. See how my eyes brightened when I tasted a little of this honey. How much better it would have been if the men had eaten today some of the plunder they took from their enemies.“ 1 Samuel 14:29-30a

Saul felt angry and defeated, so nobody would be happy until he was happy. His ego put his own goals and pursuits ahead of the best interests of his people. His leadership style was… lacking. Even his own son saw that the people needed to eat. But Saul was consumed by his own inner turmoil.

Perhaps his selfishness stemmed from insecurity, or maybe he was dealing with anger, or maybe he never felt good enough so he developed an all-or-nothing mentality.  However it happened, he was self-centered and thoughtless of others. The people who depended on him for security suffered unnecessarily until he was satisfied.

Sometimes we can be so self-focused, blinders on, and fixated only on what is in front of us, that we don’t look back to see the trail of hurt and devastation we’ve left behind pursuing our own goals or dreams.  Are we more interested in self-promotion than we are in investing in the growth and advancement of people around us? Can a parent be so wrapped up in the comparison game, they forget about the person they are actually supposed to be parenting? Can the captain of baseball team get so wrapped up in his own stats that he forgets about the team work it takes to make the TEAM to win? Do we forget that when the team wins, WE win?

Jesus taught that we would experience more satisfaction if we cared less about ourselves, and more about the welfare of others.

“Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.” I Corinthians 10:24

At some point, we will all need someone’s help, but who will be left if we’ve trampled over everyone else’s needs in our determination to satisfy our own desires, no matter who gets hurt? These are my wonderings today as I’m …just living the thing.

Everyone has their “it”; that thing lodged in the heart waiting for a chance to surface and take the place of Jesus. It can lay dormant for long periods of time, just waiting to take us captive for a moment, a day, or even longer when we least expect it.

I used to have many “its”. Approval, spouse, career, notoriety, children, wealth, and before this week, I thought I had been successful about surrendering “it” and all his cousins. However, when “it” popped up this time, I thought it was a bona fide good thing.

God gives me what I want so often, I mistakenly assume He will give me everything I want, especially if It is a “deep desire”. So when the answer to the thing I’ve been wanting and praying about for years turned into a definite “No”, I was confused and, frankly, hurt. In fact, I had a meltdown of sorts. It took several days to pry white knuckles off my entitlement to happiness. Or at least my understanding of what happiness should look like.

Like being under the spell of a first crush, old thoughts consumed me; other people get what they want… I deserve to be happy too… Something this good must be from God!

Yet a small voice underneath the infatuation seemed to be asking me a question:

Whom do you love?

Offended at the implication, I immediately reacted:

“Of course I love you God! Why don’t you know that by now?”

 The question persisted and nagged my soul until I had to admit the truth: the thing had captured my heart. I loved “it”.

That’s when I knew I couldn’t have it. Not because God didn’t want me to have good things, but because I couldn’t embrace something powerful enough to take first place in my soul.

As I released all “it” represented (joy, fulfillment, contentment, family), I realized all those things can only be found in my relationship with Jesus. Not in a place. Not a dream. Not a longing.

I can relate a little to Jacob when he came away from a wrestling match with God with a bum hip. Yet truly, if you think about it, a limp is a small price to pay for freedom.

Because as much as I wanted “it”, I still want Him more.

“Little children, guard yourselves from idols” John 5:21

 …just living the thing.

 

My son called it “Christian Coachella” (rude!), but it’s actually JoshuaFest, which happens every year over the Labor Day weekend in Quincy, California.  Four days of exceptional to not-so-great music from up-and-coming Christian artists, as well as some of the more established names in the industry.

My friend Lisa was having have a milestone birthday in 2016, so we began planning this trip back in December 2015 when hugely discounted tickets went on sale.  No camping for me!  But we found an inexpensive, comfortable, and clean motel not far from the venue.

Two days before D-(Departure) Day after sending yet another informational email to group (don’t judge!), it dawned on me that I had not once talked to God about this trip.

Not, “Lord, keep us safe on our journey up and back; add meaning and Your purpose to this trip; reveal Yourself through the music and in our interactions with people…”  Nothing!  Not one prayer!  Feeling a little ashamed, I began praying for our trip, and that’s exactly when everything fell apart!

One friend deployed with a Disaster Medical Assistance Team to help the flood victims in Louisiana, made it back in sufficient time to still go with us, but then got really sick, and was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  She was supposed to be our driver but it was clear she just needed to stay home.

Another had something come up and would need to leave a day early, and I was just tired after a crazy busy week at work and did not want to drive.  So, in addition to the new logistical and financial challenges, every carefully orchestrated plan appeared to be falling apart, AFTER I prayed, “Lord, Thy will be done”.

Ugly things I learned are still inside me:

1. Sometimes when I pray, “Thy will be done,” I really mean, “my will be done”.
2. I still do not handle disappointment as promptly, or as well as I should.
3. As much as I know and believe God, I still have a tendency to default to “CRAZY” when He interrupts my plans, saying stupid things like, “See God, this is one reason You have trouble ‘winning friends and influencing people!’”

Good things I learned are now in my DNA:

1. I dial it back from “CRAZY” to repentance at lightning speed, especially when I recall Who exactly I am mouthing off to; the source of every breath I breathe.
2. I treasure the good people God has put in my life who will help walk me back from every ‘ledge of failure, disappointment or lunacy’ whenever necessary.
3. God’s truth trumps my circumstances or feelings, …every time!

“He is the Rock, His work is perfect, for all His ways are law and justice.  A God of faithfulness, without breach or deviation, just and right is He.”  Deuteronomy 32:4 AMP

So off we went to JoshuaFest/‘Christian Coachella’, and in my next blog I’ll catch you up with how it goes as I’m …just living the thing.