Lord, I believe…

Author, Ann Marie Collins
Author, Ann Marie Collins

Recently someone hurt one of my children very deeply and with little warning a stark, raving, lunatic, Momma Hulk unleashed, and I went off!  I was angry, hurt, and honest about my feelings… yet completely wrong, because I did not act or speak in accordance with, or obedience to the faith I claim to have in God and the truth of His word.  (Yeah, I’m not into sugarcoating, excusing, OR condemning myself when I just plain mess up).

“Be angry AND do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.  Offer the SACRIFICES OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, and put your trust in the Lord.” Psalm 4:4-5 (emphases mine)

FAILED.

“Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” Colossians 4:6

FAILED.

I was in agony over my child’s pain, deeply wounded by deception and betrayal of trust, and felt someway, somehow, I had failed someone I loved.  Anger, fear, and distrust rolled around in my gut like a poisonous swill that spewed out of my mouth…

“…for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”  James 1:20

Into the quiet aftermath of my word vomit came another truth…

“We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.” Romans 8:28 Amplified Bible.

Ohmigaaaaaawsh!  I was soooooo tempted to scream, “PLATITUDE”!

“A remark or statement, especially one with a moral content, that has been used too often to be interesting or thoughtful.” Oxford Dictionary

Suddenly, the horror of dismissing any Word of God as trite or inconsequential rose up and overwhelmed my ‘feelings’ like a tsunami’s tidal wave.  With everything I am I believe God’s Word is ETERNALLY TRUE, so I can BE AS HONEST AS I WANT about my feelings, but in the end, I MUST STRIVE to make my actions and my speech line up with what I say I believe, or the watching world has EVERY RIGHT to question my faith in God.

David is one of my Bible favorites because of the authenticity AND activity of his faith:

God, I feel _______  (angry, alone, fearful,…)

But You, God, are ______  (Sovereign, All-knowing, All-powerful, …),

EVERYTHING You do is _____ (right, purposeful, pre-determined, …)

Therefore, I am going to _____(worship, obey, trust, not act like I’m crazy, …)

Being honest about my feelings does NOT supersede my responsibility to exercise the discipline of discipleship, subject my ‘feelings’ to the truth of God, and then do/say what He says,

“…do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with (my) God.” Micah 6:8

Sometimes my Momma Hulk needs to seek divine wisdom on how to act, and shut her undisciplined mouth!   I trust God to forgive me, and heal all involved. I choose to forgive and must apologize, then keep on… just living the thing.

Advertisements

One thought on “Lord, I believe…

  1. Melissa

    I feel you… why is it when it comes to our kids i can unleash someone who I barely recognize ! Then I hear God whisper ” what kind of reflection of me where you in this situation? ” Then I have to go back and seek forgiveness . It’s hard watching your kids hurt… but I know God gets it . Miss you my friend. Thanks for your transparency !

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s