Illusion castles…

Adrienne Yerzy
Adrienne Yerzy

It’s not often that I hear a song and play it on repeat, but recently I found a song worthy of repeating. Have you ever heard “Once and For All” by Lauren Daigle? The chorus has struck a chord with me, specifically the following lines:

“Be lifted high as my kingdom fall
Once and for all, once and for all.“

It’s easy to live under the illusion that I am in control of my life. I make plans to reach a certain goal, then I begin the process of executing a strategy by which I will successfully reach those goals; and the strategy is my favorite part!  Success by definition means that I have made it from point A to point B effectively achieving my stated goals in a timely and organized manner.

It is pretty frustrating, and sometimes devastating, when I cannot accomplish a goal. I think that if I try harder, push through, re-strategize, or argue better, THEN I will be successful in achieving whatever it is I’ve set out to do. But that does not always work in real life. And feeling like I’ve failed crushes my spirit and steals my joy. I hate that “f” word. In fact I don’t know what is worse, failing at accomplishing a goal, or not having goals to accomplish.

That phrase “Be lifted high as my kingdoms fall” rings true to my core because it reminds me that no matter how hard I try, how many successes I accumulate, how high I try to rise, my little kingdoms have to be under God’s kingship, not mine.

If God is King, then whether I am successful at something, or not, whether I am moving forward or waiting, it is under His jurisdiction and authority. So, with a lot of focus and intention, I’m working on trusting God. No matter what I want to succeed in (career, relationships, family), only He knows my future, so I need to want what He wants and trust that He knows best. I need to refocus on the King and not on my little…my very little… kingdom I try to create for myself.

That means I need to give up control. Yes, I flinched as I typed it. Honestly, I’m hoping that God doesn’t read this and decide to test my willingness to trust him, because there are a few things in my life that I LOVE and do not want to give up, or have Him take away. Ever!

But I am coming to a point where I have seen God be faithful enough times, that I am determined to trust him, to let my kingdoms fall out of my white-knuckled grip, and reach out to Him. Honestly, “reaching out” is a much more generous phrase for what I’m usually doing “flailing my arms around begging for help and love.” But it is a learning process, and I guess that’s what it means to keep on… just living the thing.

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